Hey there-

Its December 21st and amazon has just notified you that your Christmas gifts will be coming in on the 27th... Don't fret! Run out to the nearest pharmacy to pick out a crappy Christmas card, grab a generic gift card (maybe one for a gas station) and slap in one of these original Christmas themed raps. I've got something for everyone!




A rap for the overworked and underpaid Santa Claus

Merry Christmas dear Santa, I hope your feeling stupendous
I loved your gifts for me last year, the fruit cake was tremendous
I'm sure your busy as ever, making toys for the world
Just wanted to make sure I'm still listed with the good boys and girls
Ive done volunteer work and been a help to my mother
Ive donated my clothing- read the bible cover to cover
I'm sure that you know this, I must not build up myself
you've most likely been told by that troll on the shelf
If you can't find my list, I still accept cash
I'm praying this year that you have no sleigh crash!



A rap for your mother who is hosting a huge Christmas party

Happy Holidays Mother- I hope your feeling so jolly
I'm excited to see the house covered in holly
Your cookings the best- better than those old foagies
Your signature hams and your trademark pierogis
They scent the air splendidly, for 6 hours at least
Its keeps my mind focused on our succulent feast!
Can I bring something this year, I could offer some wine?
Last year uncle Harry brought straight turpentine.
And aunt Betties bread stuffing was so bitter and dry
I chewed it so hard that I started to cry
But their efforts are pure, its all the intention
Maybe it'll be better this year, Oh- and I'd like to mention
That my girlfriends name is Megan- even though you say Meagan
And were bringing our own food- we've both become vegan.



This rap is for a family member that you hardly ever see, but shows face at the Christmas Party. You know they have a job, but are unsure of what it is. They may or may not be in a relationship. They own a brown dog. Everything else is a mystery.

Merry Christmas my friend, such a long time its been,
I hope your years been filled with cheer- but if not, a new ones on the bend.
Hope your jobs going swell, seem to remember you really like it.
I planned on buying you a sweater but are you still comfortable in tight fit?
I look for forward every Christmas to the fact we'll be meeting
are you still dating that guy- oh geez my memory is fleeting.
You either told me he's, "the one" or that he's a massive tool
Either way he's so lucky to have you- because you are really cool!
And that little dog of yours, I can't remember the breed
That little brown one that you dress up and shows in my news feed.
I hope that Santas good to you, I have a feeling you've been nice.
Now how about that weather- steer clear of black ice!
My holiday letter is coming to a conclusion
my name is Zach- talk to me this year and clear up all this confusion! :0




A rap for a girlfriend/boyfriend that you really like- but know the relationship is headed nowhere. You won't break up with them now, its the holidays and thats cruel, but you want a Christmas card that doesn't send too many mixed signals-yet is still somewhat kind.


Merry Christmas to you sweetie, what a year it has been
I'm so lucky to know you, your a really good friend.
We've had so many moments that were more than acceptable
And I love that your job is somewhat respectable.
When we go to the movies and you buy snacks for munching
I've totally gotten used to the sound of food crunching
But thats what you makes you-you, and I fully accept it
And what I got your for Christmas, you wouldn't expect it
Im
so happy your mother invited me to your kins celebration
But i'll have to decline such a kind invitation
You see my family believes in the the strongest tradition
Hide a pickle on the tree, and to find it is the mission
It would break my Dads heart if I were to neglect the pickle
You see he's very old-fashioned, some say that he's fickle
Give your dad a high five for me, your mother a hug
And I hope to the heavens you didn't buy me a Pug.