Hello all- just following up on my last post themed, "stop pretending". One of the hardest things that I have had to accept in the recent past is that my role in another persons life may not always be what I had wanted. I cannot be every persons older sibling, or supportive friend- in fact in some cases I am just a familiar face at work that may never have any major impact in a persons life.
But thats okay, embracing our roles and being the best we can in those roles is what we are asked to do as humans. In the case of my recently deceased friend, I wish dearly that I could have been more of a positive influence in his life- but I am now forced to take the role that I am handed. In my attempts to help add to his legacy I have decided to run an "ultra" race- which has brought me great closure, comfort, but most of all pain.
Pain is a funny thing. Some boast that pain is, "weakness leaving the body", but I am not sure that is true of all pain. You see the physical pain of running for six hours is nothing in comparison to the long lasting pain of losing a loved one, never achieving a life long goal, or being lonely. No, while the physical pain of running tells us, "you can't do it, you hurt too much" emotional pain tells us, "you have to do it, i'm sorry that it hurts so much".
When I have lunch with my grandfather and he reminisces about all the wonderful times he had with my grandma- I can't help but notice his struggle to fight back tears. Why do these horrible things happen, and why must we be burdened with this intense emotional grief?
Because that is the price of love. To love someone means that you make yourself vulnerable- for better or for worse. Some people don't love, and thus aren't ever hurt- but I wouldn't recommend that.
This week I will honor a friend who reached out to me at a young age when I was changing schools and in the difficult phase of reacclimatizing. We played magic cards, had bonfires, went to dances together, and sat together at the same lunch table. Despite the fact that these memories are hard remember- I hope that I never forget.
Rest in peace, and I hope to see you once again.
